Releasing Her

i have given you everything, i have tried it all, I have looked deeper, trying to see my resolve, however, I missed something, something not small, I told you I had given you everything, but i really hadnt given you anything at all. I had rationed out myself, giving piece by piece, trying to hold out and keep her for myself. So with pain i give you her, with fear, I release her. I will trust you with everything and put nothing into myself. She is amazing, but without you what is the gauge, what is the measure. I am tired of these lonely days, and tired of these wasted nights, I have searched to long, trusted myself yet doubted you. So I ask you keep me on track, I ask for your guidance, and I do give you her. It will hurt, the pain will cut, emotions will be lost, however, what have I not lost. When a person can stand on the slate of rock bottom, and ask what was the cost of the fall? when a person looks up and see's no end... what is the cost of rebirth. I give you her, I give you the part of me that wishes to not share. I give you, my last, and final thing..... please take her, and the pain, take her and give me life to gain, I ask for hope, i pray for salvation, I ask for embrace, I ask to forsee my destiny, it will kill me to loose her, it will be death without you. All I ask is you protect her.... I now have released my life to you.jermiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans for welfare and not calamity, plans to give you a future and a HOPE.

trying to lose the taste in my mouth

Its weird how hatred tastes, its a sour taste, something that leaves the palet dry, and your emotions parched. Its something I will have to get over, its weird... I can be out with freinds, I can make sure everyone smiles, every one has a good time, but its when i realize that my smile is fake... that i seem to be stuck in a emotional roller coaster... and everyone who tries to help...does one hell of a job at making sure they prove how unreliable they truly are... See, I was writting a freind today, and in doing soo.... saw how frikin sick with self pitty I am..... or atleast how I portray it... I mean come on, what am I going to do, look at the shitty hand of cards I was dealt and cry to this blog at how O MY LIFE SUCKS....Ive never been that person, I was taught at a young age that life was precious...Ive fought a life where I was told I was going to die... or could die, but a frikin doctor who used me as a test patient, ive overcome being called the biggest mistake of a parents life... and that my decisions make him feel he has failed raising a good child... ive learned to endure and keep running, if you stop, you will lose yourself. Fuck what others think, let them hate, live your life for you, not for anyone else. It scares me to have that mind set, I feel I run from life, I keep the things that hold me down, far away, and run from them, i go home at 1230 at night, leave at 8 am and start the cycle all over again. I have a deep disgust torwards my parents, I wouldnt say a hate, but I would say they have tried to break my will of dreaming. Its weird how that happens, the very people who tell you to never stop dreaming to never stop reaching for the stars, are the very people who hold me back and tell me no. I hope someday I come to grips with these scars.... but today isnt that day. I guess i also held some bitterness to the last few girls I've dated.... something that shocks me...I try to be myself, try to show them the guy who truly cares about them not about sex... and they take from me every emotion, and run back to the guys who had orignally crushed them.... Its a interesting bitter circle. A no hold barr of emotional warfare, guys do it to girls, so the girls do it to those who care... Owell I guess. So I will be posting a repeat of one of my writings... it seems benifical here, and I do release her. For to long I have been the only one in (my world), I find solace in no one... and saidly I find I can trust no one to cry out to. I am going to try something new, and try not to harbor these emotions. For they will destroy me... "for he who hates his brother, will find no place in the kingdom of the Lord".

-the rider

....in the fall

I come to a point, a ledge in the road, my back is against the wall, my feet barely on solid ground, life surrounds me, my soul is pushed back and forth, my body firm but weak inside. My eyes speak the volumes that my voice cannot. My arms are out, the foundation of priciples is tested. I must jump to save myself, or jump to end myself. There is no bottom to the pit I surround, no predictions of whats at the end. however the only thing that is promised is the time in free fall. the time in which nothing else matters, I feel my heart beating, Ismell air, the crisp air. But I continue to fall, I approach equilibrium, I meet the balance of my descent. the end of my worries, There are no ends, life is free fall, I can stick my arms out to slow my decent, I can contract to speed up. But in the end its always to fast. I dont feel life till its gone, I ride so close to the edge before Ieven begin to find that fire. I scream to the heavens, but cannot even reach that bliss. I cant reach that balance, till I jump. My eyes now closed, my arms out, and I jump...... I fall. Knowing...... HE will catch you in the end.

The mirrors reflections

If the past has ever haunted a person, it has haunted me, if the past has ever been evident in a persons life it is in mine, the mirror shows the scars of the past, the pain and the evidence of a prevailed victory are clearly displayed, life has tried its hardest to overcome me with endless crashing waves yet my body takes the hits and crumbles and my spirit grows stronger. Some might have given up, but scars are my proof of will power and determination

rock bottom

i have given you everything, i have tried it all, I have looked deeper, trying to see my resolve, however, I missed something, something not small, I told you I had given you everything, but i really hadnt given you anything at all. I had rationed out myself, giving piece by piece, trying to hold out and keep her for myself. So with pain i give you her, with fear, I release her. I will trust you with everything and put nothing into myself. She is amazing, but without you what is the gauge, what is the measure. I am tired of these lonely days, and tired of these wasted nights, I have searched to long, trusted myself yet doubted you. So I ask you keep me on track, I ask for your guidance, and I do give you her. It will hurt, the pain will cut, emotions will be lost, however, what have I not lost. When a person can stand on the slate of rock bottom, and ask what was the cost of the fall? when a person looks up and see's no end... what is the cost of rebirth. I give you her, I give you the part of me that wishes to not share. I give you, my last, and final thing..... please take her, and the pain, take her and give me life to gain, I ask for hope, i pray for salvation, I ask for embrace, I ask to forsee my destiny, it will kill me to loose her, it will be death without you. All I ask is you protect her.... I now have released my life to you.

jermiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans for welfare and not calamity, plans to give you a future and a Hope

from the pit of my heart

This will not be a bright outlook, this blog will probably not bring you joy, but it will bring you insite from a fallen man, from a person on the brink of their destruction. I hope and pray for your sake you take some of this with you. Let me take the fault, let it be my actions that have dealt pay. May you live to be young forever.

A very influencial man once said "Dream as if you live forever, Live as you die tomorrow", James Dean.... he was onto something, something that I couldnt fathom a few years ago.... I have lived a life planned for the next day, I have counted on tomorrow as a right, not a privelege. This being my first blog.... will show you the pit inside of a fallen man. the thought process of someone in which he has nothing more to give.

I have had struggles that have broken me.... I have struggles that have nearly killed me.... and every day I wake to more of my demons being brought forth.... It seems that now.. my past has caught me. Karma isnt a bitch, shes just on time. I will try to pour my heart out onto these pages.... I will try to find peace in these works.... I hope you can follow me on this journey


It was long ago that I found myself in a Doctors office, I was on my 3rd hour of blood testing, my veins where beginning to close, and my joints and bones where beginning to cry out..... this was my 7th grade life. THe doctor quickly told my parents sports where not for me, as at any moment, to much of a "jar" could kill me...... what a promising outcome..... what a blessing for such a young kid.

Myparents loved to fight.... fight loud enough the cd player in my room couldnt quiet them. Was the Cd player to quiet them? or to muffle the sound of my own pain... I never have found that out.

I found out at a young age it was me versus the world. there where no "give backs" to this game, a winner take all, no hold bar on my life. Since that day I have counted only on one person, that person is myself, not God.... believe in him, I love him, I still dont see his plan in my life. I feel sometimes my life is comical releif for him. He may be trying to make me stronger, but he is doing a hell of a job at finding my weaknesses.

Since seeking after this loving God, I have lost nearly everything, I lost my old freinds, I lost a best freind of 8 years. I have never indured such lonelyness, and never before have a felt such a stranger in my own home. Ive prayed for his strenght, for his embrace, I have been answered with silence. In that I take peace.... maybe I dont need his help, he is telling me to carry on.

till then.... i leave you with this.....

"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans for Welfare, and not Calamity, plans to give you a future and a Hope...."
Jermiah 29:11