trying to lose the taste in my mouth

Its weird how hatred tastes, its a sour taste, something that leaves the palet dry, and your emotions parched. Its something I will have to get over, its weird... I can be out with freinds, I can make sure everyone smiles, every one has a good time, but its when i realize that my smile is fake... that i seem to be stuck in a emotional roller coaster... and everyone who tries to help...does one hell of a job at making sure they prove how unreliable they truly are... See, I was writting a freind today, and in doing soo.... saw how frikin sick with self pitty I am..... or atleast how I portray it... I mean come on, what am I going to do, look at the shitty hand of cards I was dealt and cry to this blog at how O MY LIFE SUCKS....Ive never been that person, I was taught at a young age that life was precious...Ive fought a life where I was told I was going to die... or could die, but a frikin doctor who used me as a test patient, ive overcome being called the biggest mistake of a parents life... and that my decisions make him feel he has failed raising a good child... ive learned to endure and keep running, if you stop, you will lose yourself. Fuck what others think, let them hate, live your life for you, not for anyone else. It scares me to have that mind set, I feel I run from life, I keep the things that hold me down, far away, and run from them, i go home at 1230 at night, leave at 8 am and start the cycle all over again. I have a deep disgust torwards my parents, I wouldnt say a hate, but I would say they have tried to break my will of dreaming. Its weird how that happens, the very people who tell you to never stop dreaming to never stop reaching for the stars, are the very people who hold me back and tell me no. I hope someday I come to grips with these scars.... but today isnt that day. I guess i also held some bitterness to the last few girls I've dated.... something that shocks me...I try to be myself, try to show them the guy who truly cares about them not about sex... and they take from me every emotion, and run back to the guys who had orignally crushed them.... Its a interesting bitter circle. A no hold barr of emotional warfare, guys do it to girls, so the girls do it to those who care... Owell I guess. So I will be posting a repeat of one of my writings... it seems benifical here, and I do release her. For to long I have been the only one in (my world), I find solace in no one... and saidly I find I can trust no one to cry out to. I am going to try something new, and try not to harbor these emotions. For they will destroy me... "for he who hates his brother, will find no place in the kingdom of the Lord".

-the rider