This will not be a bright outlook, this blog will probably not bring you joy, but it will bring you insite from a fallen man, from a person on the brink of their destruction. I hope and pray for your sake you take some of this with you. Let me take the fault, let it be my actions that have dealt pay. May you live to be young forever.
A very influencial man once said "Dream as if you live forever, Live as you die tomorrow", James Dean.... he was onto something, something that I couldnt fathom a few years ago.... I have lived a life planned for the next day, I have counted on tomorrow as a right, not a privelege. This being my first blog.... will show you the pit inside of a fallen man. the thought process of someone in which he has nothing more to give.
I have had struggles that have broken me.... I have struggles that have nearly killed me.... and every day I wake to more of my demons being brought forth.... It seems that now.. my past has caught me. Karma isnt a bitch, shes just on time. I will try to pour my heart out onto these pages.... I will try to find peace in these works.... I hope you can follow me on this journey
It was long ago that I found myself in a Doctors office, I was on my 3rd hour of blood testing, my veins where beginning to close, and my joints and bones where beginning to cry out..... this was my 7th grade life. THe doctor quickly told my parents sports where not for me, as at any moment, to much of a "jar" could kill me...... what a promising outcome..... what a blessing for such a young kid.
Myparents loved to fight.... fight loud enough the cd player in my room couldnt quiet them. Was the Cd player to quiet them? or to muffle the sound of my own pain... I never have found that out.
I found out at a young age it was me versus the world. there where no "give backs" to this game, a winner take all, no hold bar on my life. Since that day I have counted only on one person, that person is myself, not God.... believe in him, I love him, I still dont see his plan in my life. I feel sometimes my life is comical releif for him. He may be trying to make me stronger, but he is doing a hell of a job at finding my weaknesses.
Since seeking after this loving God, I have lost nearly everything, I lost my old freinds, I lost a best freind of 8 years. I have never indured such lonelyness, and never before have a felt such a stranger in my own home. Ive prayed for his strenght, for his embrace, I have been answered with silence. In that I take peace.... maybe I dont need his help, he is telling me to carry on.
till then.... i leave you with this.....
"for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans for Welfare, and not Calamity, plans to give you a future and a Hope...."
Jermiah 29:11
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a part of why you aren't able to see God's plan for you right now is because your mind, heart and soul are too occupied with your tragic pain to realize that there is a twist to all of this, that there is a reason for this to happen.
ReplyDeletei, myself, have encountered with pain during my life. i lost my grandmother when i was 7, she died in my arms. i lost my aunt when i was 14 after watching her battle with breast cancer for 7 years, even after the doctors told her she would die in 5 weeks. i lost my best friend/brother to a car accident last year. that seemingly crushed my entire life. i lost all sense of direction, and still lack it. i crumbled to the pain and sorrow. i let it overtake my soul. i lost myself in false love when i should have, at the very beginning told myself that to just keep going. I let my life follow one great quote. its not from the bible or anything, but it still works...
"If you're going through hell, keep on going."
its as simple and as complex as that. just dont fucking worry what others think or what others say. do what YOU need to do. be who YOU need to be. right now, nothing else fucking matters. i use the F word because im trying to stress the importance of what i am saying. just be who you are adam. all your friends are right here, they always will be. those who aren't or don't want to be, well they just can't handle being your friends and dont deserve to be.
and just remember you can always find God in whatever. even though you can't always see him, he's there. i believe in you adam. love ya man.
this is jesse by the way. im always here for you man. even though we dont share the same pain, just remember you always have a support system and always have yourself. depend on yourself before you depend on others. grow your own strength and that will guide you bro.